I have had the misfortune–I’m sorry! –of having to get on FB to contact any business in the town I’m moving to.

I peeked at the scroll. Consciously (but also immediately felt the addiction start to take me. It is drugs, people. We’re all on drugs).

And every article was about the need for women to find their softness, and how being aggressive or confrontational is a sign you don’t respect yourself–

Women and femmes, this is a motherfucking trick. And it will hurt you.

Most of us do not need lessons on how to be a doormat. Or how to say, “I feel ” or how to hedge or how to be passive aggressive.

What we need is permission to be an all out bitch and get directly to the point so we don’t get fucked.

You hereby have my permission.

It feels good to be nice. No one is disturbed when you are nice. You can tell yourself that you were a good girl, if you’re nice, and that anything bad that happens to you isnt  “your fault” if you’re nice.

But a few things:

Being confrontational isn’t mean. It is confronting a problem. So you can solve it. You do not need to get permission through hedging and gentle prodding to speak your mind openly. Being made to feel you need that permission is meant to keep you subservient.

You are fully permitted to point right at a thing and say, “This is a problem.”

There is no self respect in deciding that the terrible things that happen to you are okay so long as everyone else is happy. Your rage and anger are tools that belong to you right along with your sweetness and kindness. The trick is to deploy these aspects where they are warranted –not eradicate half of yourself because boys like to win.

And you sweet, naive things: once you are programmed to be nice, the bar moves on what is considered “mean.” Noticing that you are being abused becomes mean. Not giving up everything you have for someone else is mean. Asking for compromise becomes mean.

Because once nice is all that matters, you don’t trust any aggressive thoughts you have–you become ashamed of them.

But perhaps most importantly: it’s mean to be nice when what you really feel is mean. Because it makes you a disingenuous liar who is misleading people.

When you are nice, people think everything is fine. And there will come a day when the truth comes out. And when it does, they will have to reframe their entire relationship with you. Because you were a mean little liar who made a fool out of everyone around you with all your “nice” lies.

It’s much kinder to say you have a problem when you have a problem. It’s even nicer to yell and say, “You don’t get to treat me this way, asshole. And PS. Your dad isn’t proud of you,” than it is to say, “That’s okay, dear” and letting them continue to hurt  you for their benefit. Because then at least everyone knows where they stand.

And in a world where the boys are raised by the internet to be fascist, and the girls are raised to be nice, then you will be nice all the way to Gilead. And that’s not an exaggeration.

Soft little lies are what make fascism possible.

The truth isn’t mean–even when it’s aggressive or confrontational. It’s the truth, and must be dealt with. People are stronger than you think. They don’t break when someone contradicts them.

They are also weaker than you think. They come back with a punishing yell? It’s just a loud noise and you can make one, too. And you’ve got the ability to leave.

For what is coming for us, nice is going to get us nowhere. Be smart, be cunning, be kind, make friends, be helpful, be wonderful –and when it’s time, be free to halt someone with what a huge raging confrontational BITCH you can be.

This is no time to throw away tools. You have anger and fire and passion and desire and wants and your own fucking agenda.

And your agenda is as valid as anyone’s. Fight for it. Study yourself. Study the people around you. Pay attention to who you hurt and who you help. Be in touch with your humanity.

And then decide for yourself how to act. The tech lords and the people around you have their own agenda: for you to be nice, so they can tell you what to be and how to act.

So do the meanest thing you can do, according to society:  set your own agenda, and don’t yield..