Have you recently watched all of the prestige leak out of your degree? Did you always dream of going to an Ivy League school, only to have your dreams dashed, as you watched the Dean of your top choice school get on his knees and fellate Adult Beaver Cleaver? Did it pain you to see the Dean hand Adult Beaver Cleaver a check for hundreds of millions of dollars to pay for the privilege? Do you not trust these fuckers to educate you?
Welcome to SmutMag University. We teach basic principles for life, like, “Girl, if you’re the one sucking, you’re the one getting paid!” And “Get the money up front.” And, “We don’t fellate men who are notorious rapists with a history of not paying what they owe.” Also, how to tell propaganda from Art, and basic reading comprehension.
But most importantly, if any fascist demands we pay them $500 million, we will laugh in their faces. For we have $4 in our account. And we plan to keep it!
Speaking of…why do these Universities have $500 million laying around to just hand over to extortionists? Why are these universities able to say, “Fine, I’ll give you $500 million now–but you better give me billions later!” Um, huh? What the hell kind of scheme is that? Isn’t that money supposed to be educating people? Why do you need so much money?
Mo, money, mo problems, we always say. That’s why SmutMag doesn’t have any. And yet, our theatre department –a very expensive department for most universities –is unparalleled and runs on nothing but human invention. Stick with us, and you will be smarter and more nimble than a robot!
Come on down to SmutMag University, where your tuition is what you decide, and where you see your dollars go to work immediately on giving people what they really need to learn and get along in the world: art and land.
We strongly believe that paying tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that says you’re smart is…just rich people fucking with you.
But, by paying $100 to SmutMag.Art, you will get:
- Tickets to a “Process: A Digital Cabaret,” which will teach you to appreciate Shakespeare AND Tori Amos AND Bobby McFerrin, AND new works, AND MORE, all contained in a cathartic variety show format in our digital cabaret.
- A mug, in which, you can put any beverage you want!
- Walls and a toilet for SmutMag, so we can compete with Harvard on glamour, and you can have pride in your alma mater.
- An arts and crafts savings account with $100 bones in it to spend furthering your arts and crafts education.
- A card in the mail saying you are the smartest. You can show it to employers and they will be very impressed!
All these benefits and more can be yours if you enroll in SmutMag University today!
Want to go to SmutMag grad school?
A $250 enrollment fee will get you all of the above, AND a diploma you can wear with pride, printed right on your shirt! Now you can show the world that you are worthy of employment and prestige!
Won’t you enroll in SmutMag University today? There’s literally nowhere else to go. An institutional degree is now worthless and laughable.
I’m very, very sorry to say.
Get your Bachelor’s in Smut and Art
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