Maybe I tried too hard, or maybe it looked like I wasn’t trying enough. Maybe I seemed too desperate, or maybe I didn’t convey how dire things are, appropriately. Maybe I seem too capable to need help, or maybe I seem beyond help. Maybe I’m not good at my craft. Maybe I am, and everyone assumes I must have a lot of support.

I have applied for every job. I have tried to sell anything and everything I have. I have put things up for sale on consignment in town, and online. I’ve put on shows, and for good measure, I’m putting out another. I have humiliated myself begging to family and online and to everyone I know. I put my best skills forward for sale, I put my meekest face on to try and get minimum wage jobs.

I have applied for hospitality, retail, entertainment, arts and porn jobs for the last five years. I’ve gotten two jobs in that time, both run by the same kind of abusive person who cheated me and drove me out.

I tell my friends and family this and they say nothing. I say, “I’m gonna have to start stealing or something,” and they say, “I know right?” Delightedly. I worry that what people really want is for me to be a criminal so they can feel justified having treated me like one.

I try and tell myself that I am unemployable because the universe needs me to make art. So, I make it. And I when I do, everything makes sense, because I work very hard, and the people really respond. But not with money–not in the past year. In the past year, every hard won client just…stopped. Stopped spending money on anything I have to offer.

But I have done what I can to keep my chin up and keep moving forward. I searched high and low for opportunities that give me what I need to survive at free or damn near free prices.

That includes a little piece of land I got from a local company that lets you bid on the down payment (and before you ask, yes the company is legit. I’ve checked. They are local, human run, been around for 40 years). I won the auction. The land is mine for just $1075 down. (And then the fees, and then the monthly payment coming right up. Almost two grand to settle up, but then it’s mine at a rate I can comfortably afford).

And it’s what I want. It’s a small lot in a mystical kind of place near a beach with black sand. It’s the dream. And it’s right there. And I have first dibs.

When I bid for it, I crossed my fingers and just hoped that my show coming up would be enough to make it happen.

I have until 4pm PST today to make payment. Or I am nowhere. And if I am nowhere…I really don’t know what I’m going to do, but I am at the end of my steam, at the end of my rope, at the end of my hope, at the end. I’ve gone through all the plans A-Z.

All that is left to do is out of my hands. It’s in your hands.

I long for a day where I don’t have to do this. Where if I don’t make any money today, I can relax, and not harass people, because there is food in the ocean, and growing in my back yard, and I have a place to wake up and try again the next day.  Someplace where my mother who cannot walk long distances can stay, and not be shuffled here and there. I cannot do that to her.

4pm today. If ten people get $100 bones, I’m still in the game. If 20 do, the place is mine. If 100 people get a ticket to the show. If one person just takes it upon themselves. This is doable. We can do this.

If you are as desperate as I am money-wise, I ask that you please send my trailer for my show to everyone you know, tell them I am worth the price of a ticket ($20–or more!), and help me fundraise. Please. And if you are not spending on anything frivolous right now, please do not view this as frivolous. Shopping handmade, local, independent is never frivolous. Cut out Amazon.

And if supporting my work will not leave you destitute, know that spending your money with me, today specifically, is the most straight up way to fight homelessness. If I am not homeless at the end of the day, YOU will have done that. And funded a permanent solution for two people and three cats.

That basically never happens. Where you donate money to solve a problem and the problem is actually solved. But it can happen this time.

And when you see “Process: A Digital Cabaret” on July 4th, I hope it will make you proud that you made it possible and that you gave it a happy ending. In fact, I have a big band lined up to help me with the finale, and it’s going to be wonderful:)

Good things are on the horizon. We just have to leap towards it together.

Thank you for all of your help. I cannot do this without you. And share the trailer!