I know I said I would update you yesterday–I feel a little bit like I’ve collapsed after running a marathon through a war zone. I am relieved, but there is still a lot to do, and still a lot of damage taken I need to deal with. I’ve sat down to write it all out a couple of times and it’s still too much.

There are still a number of hurdles to jump before I can get onto the land, but that is fine with me. Every hurdle I jump from now on builds MY future, and not my landlord’s. I feel like a free American for the first time in my life, ironically, in a time when America has been hijacked by fascists.

But democracy is the fight for democracy. Keep chasing life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, keep insisting that you deserve it, too–that it is for you, too–and you keep this democracy going. It only dies when we give up on it. When you give up on yourself.

And I’m just so fucking glad I didn’t give up on myself, and got rid of anyone in my life who tried to impress upon me that I am worthless.

There is a lot to deal with before I can get onto my land–the towing, the zoning, the planning. But everything is made easier with hope, and that is what land is. It’s a place to build and grow.

That’s all I can say right now. I may take a few days off from blogging. I am still finishing up Process, and everything is tangled up in that.

It looks like a mess, but I can see it all right now. The show. The magazine. The zine. The boat. The land. A home. The advertisements. The perfume–I can see what my job is, what my life is, how to do it, how to show up every day. I can see it.

When you are dropped into a maze that you didn’t build, though, nothing makes sense. It is not your life. It is just impulses and stimulus. Your aims are fruitless. You become nihilistic. You stop trusting. Because everything is a fucking trick.

But if you put seeds in the ground and feed them with light and water and compost, I tell you, they grow!

I can feel the maze about to fall, and the light of day about to sweep in, and the horizon in my eye-line. Finally, finally.